NBA Draft Guide: How To Mess It All Up...

A Guide to the 2009 NBA Draft and how almost no one got it right.

The draft was to long and too retarded for me to even try to figure out what everyone was thinking so I'm going to do the top ten and nit-pick the rest. Ready? Go.

1. LA Clippers: Blake Griffin
What they needed: Help! Like US Military sized help.
What they got: Best player in the draft.

Mission Accomplished. I don't think the Clippers came close to messing this one up, right? This was a no-brainer, which is perfect because the Clippers are a brainless organization.

2. Memphis Grizzlies: Hasheem Thabeet
What they needed: A PG and a PF
What they got: A Center.

Umm, this should have been a sign of thing to come. For team that can use a PG in a PG loaded draft, a Center was the only logical choice.

3. Oklahoma City Thunder: James Harden
What they needed: A SG or a Center
What they got: A talented SG.

I wishhhhhh they got Curry so i can forgive them for stealing my team, but they failed me. I still think Harden is a decent pick for them.

4. Sactown Kings: Tyreke Evans
What they needed: PG
What they got: A Fake PG

Evans is not a real PG, and he is a ball hog. Kevin Martin is the most efficient perimeter player in the NBA, last thing you need is a selfish SG to pretend he is a PG and take away shots from Martin.


5. & 6. Minnesota T-Wolves: #5: Ricky Rubio #6 Jonny Flynn
What they needed: PG, SG, C, Coach, New GM, New Team Name
What they got: PGx2*

So, the wolves capped off the week by dumping their 2 best shooters for the #5 pick and more F/C players. *They started out the night needing more guards. Their first pick was excellent, what followed was disastrous, almost comedic. I love Flynn's game, but come on Minny, reallllllly? back to back PGs?

7. Golden State Warriors: Stephen Curry
What they needed: Fire Nelly
What they got: 12 million pissed of New Yorkers

Steph Curry is my favorite player in the draft. He is the little engine that could. Everyone wanted to see what the best scorer in college basketball could do in a system run by the best offensive coach in the NBA. Tragic ending. Oh well, I will still cheer for you, Steph!

8. New York Knicks: Jordan Hill
What they needed: Lebron James
What they got: Heartbreak Hotel

And to think, they all laughed at the Renaldo Balkman. This wasn't even funny, it was almost sad. We all saw the Knicks just give up, right before our eyes. Reminds me of this clip from The Simpsons.

9. Toronto Raps: DeMar DeRozan
What they needed: Versatile SG
What they got: Versatile SG

Oh Snap, a team actually getting what they needed? There are three good GM's in the NBA, Bryan Colangelo is one of them. True Story. Some people don't like this pick, I love it. Demar is for real.

10. Milwakee Brewe...Bucks: Brandon Jennings
What they needed: SG, SF
What they got: PG

Another head scratcher. The Bucks already have two PGs, they just traded away their best SG/SF, you would think they would fill the void. At this point I am convinced the most GMs don't think. Also, Brandon Jennings is the biggest jackass in this draft. The BIGGEST, I hope you save some of this lottery pick money, you will need it for your plane ticket back to Europe.

13. Indiana Pace-makers: Tyler Hansbrough
What they needed: A cigarette and a bail-out
What they got: Another token white guy.

Dear Tyler, grow a mustache and buy a truck. Welcome to the Indiana Pacers, you are lucky to go in the first round, 'bro'.

19. Atlanta Hawks: Jeff Teague
What they needed: PG
What they got: PG

If you weren't impressed by the Crawford pickup, this was exactly what they needed. All in all, they made me forget they got swept out the second round.

20. Utah Jazz: Eric Maynor
What they needed: Bitch Slap Boozer, Front court help
What they got: No real help.

Eric Maynor is really really good. I don't know how ATL passed on him. But Utah has the 2nd best PG in the NBA, they really didn't need a PG.

21. NO Hornets: Darren Collison
What they needed: shooters for CP3
What they got: The most useless pick they could have thought of.

I thought Utah fucked up, man-o-man. You already have the best PG in the NBA. CP3 plays 39 minutes a game. You just used your first round pick on a guy who will play 9 minutes a game, this is why this team is going broke...

36. Memphis: Sam Young

Congrats, in a draft that you could have gotten a really good PG with the 2nd pick and a PF STEAL in Blair with the 36th pick, you managed to draft a Center and 2 SF's. Did they forget that they still have Rudy Gay?

37. Spurs: DeJuan Blair

And this is why they have been one of the top two front offices in the NBA for over a decade now. TP, Manu, RJ, Blair, and Duncan. Yea, that looks like a championship line up to me.


55. Portland: Patrick Mills

This is your other top two front office. Kobe Bryant thinks this kid can play, stating to Mills, Look, believe in yourself. You showed it against us in the summer' after playing against him. This might actually prove Kobe doesn't run LA, since the Lakers passed on Mills with the 42nd pick.


That's the highlights right there. I kind of stopped paying attention half way through the draft. I started working on my resume after I realized a lot of teams really need new GMs.

It is late, and this draft has left me confused, goodnight.